Oatmeal

Sitting here eating oatmeal. Listening to Jon Foreman. Thinking about who-knows-what. At the end (or in the midst) of an all-nighter.

It is finals week.

How I feel

[This is part of an email I sent to a professor tonight...]


I am not sure how to make heads-or-tails of what all is going on in life for me right now, but I am at a point where I feel rather powerless in the face of increasing schoolwork and other stressors. My emotions seem to have been on the fritz as of late and I have not dealt with them well. Spiritually, I feel shot. I have few other words to use. I am beat. My heart and my body and my emotions and my desires and my everything are in deep need of God's touch and restoration. I am not sure how reliable my emotions are right now, especially because I realize that the flu took a lot out of me and I am probably still physically recovering. But I am quite convinced that there is significant stock to be placed in what I've said.

As far as the assignments go, I don't want to let you or my classmates down. It bugs me that I feel like I'm giving up - I don't want to be defeated. But I think I am defeated right now. I need to get adequate sleep tonight and I think I need to take a moment and look at where I am - to look at what is truly important and to allow that to inform my priorities. I think - perhaps I am wrong - that at this moment, these matters of the heart are very important. I am tired.

I am truly not seeking leniency grading-wise. This email is sent partly to ensure that you understand that I mean no disrespect by these incomplete assignments. This email is also admittedly self-serving in that I wish to "save face." But I'm tired of saving face, too... so really, finally, I desire your thoughts and prayer as (I hope) God works with me through this time.

And that's what it comes down to, in a lot of ways. I'm tired and frustrated. With a whole lot of things, in a whole lot of ways. I desperately need to encounter God and for him to give rest to my restless soul, and for his love to overcome my irrational "desire" ("fear" is probably a more accurate term) to run to everyone and everything but him.

[Have you ever heard the song "Jealous Kind" by Jars of Clay? Here's two lines: "I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar / Than be broken by a lover I don't understand"]

Quotes

"The widespread postmodernist attitude that, since there are so many religions with a claim to truth, no one religion matters in the end, thus allowing us to ransack religions to suit our personal tastes, merely strengthens the status quo by driving religion from the public sphere into the private, with the weakening of religion going side by side with the growth of state power." (Lamin Sanneh)

"The most dangerous enemy today is no longer the dark forces of totalitarianism, the various hostile and plotting mafias, but our own bad qualities. My presidential program is, therefore, to bring spirituality, moral responsibility, humaneness, and humility into politics and, in that respect, to make clear that there is something higher above us, that our deeds do not disappear into the black hole of time but are recorded somewhere and judged, that we have neither the right nor a reason to think we understand everything and that we can do everything." (Václav Havel)

Gil Deuck on Charles Taylor

I have found that Gil Deuck's blog is consistently interesting and thought-provoking. This is definitely true of the two most recent posts, which flow out of his engagement with Charles Taylor's Sources of the Self. I suggest you check it out.

Gil Deuck :: Just Wondering (http://hepburnmusings.wordpress.com/)

Witnesses to Grace.

I have been encouraged this summer:

witnessing
many times
many ways:
although broken,
God's people - His church -
witnessing
to His grace

It has been an encouraging summer. When I am drawn to view the church with disdain, I need to remember these experiences. But most of all, I need to remember that God loves this, His church.

I cannot pretend to follow God in the midst of growing distaste for some or all of these people for whom Christ died, and for whom he will return.

I have many words, lofty ambitions... but the question remains, will I be an active witness to God's grace and His faithfulness?

By His grace alone, I will. And when I forget and fail and fall, His grace will challenge me and teach me and develop me into a more faithful witness. Not because of who I am, but because of who He is.

Hey unfaithful,
I will teach you to be stronger
Hey ungrateful,
I will teach you to forgive each other
Hey unloving,
I will love you.
I will love you.
(Underoath, "Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Will Escape")

The devil's singing over me
An age-old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He's forgotten the refrain:
Jesus saves!
(Shane & Shane, "Embracing Accusations")

I don't want to forget the first verse or the refrain.

Thank you, God, for your faithfulness and for your people and for opening my eyes and encouraging my heart. You are patient as you open my eyes, a blind and broken and arrogant sinner.

I don't want to continue to take you for granted. Thank you. So much.

Quote

"Western inclusivism is really covert exclusivism." (Tim Keller)

Read it.

"Without truth, without trust and love for what is true, there is no social conscience and responsibility, and social action ends up serving private interests and the logic of power, resulting in social fragmentation, especially in a globalized society at difficult times like the present" (5).

"Fidelity to man requires fidelity to the truth, which alone is the guarantee of freedom (cf. John 8:32) and of the possibility of integral human development" (9).

... these are words found in a recent encylical, "Charity in Truth" (Caritas in Veritae) issued by Pope Benedict XVI. They are quoted in an article, authored by Francis J Beckwith. Beckwith reviews the recent Pope Benedict XVI's encyclical, commenting on its content and meaning.

It is a very worthwhile read, I think: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/julyweb-only/127-53.0.html. It's a short article, too.

Additional links:

The full text of the encyclical in English: http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20090629_caritas-in-veritate_en.html

An op-ed piece talking about the difficulty that many have in understanding the full depth and breadth of this encyclical (or of much Christian thought in general): http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/opinion/2009/0710/1224250386825.html

Return?

I hope that I am on the threshold of a decisive step back towards God.

I too have gone astray, I wish to return to my Shepherd. Yet my desires are impotent and fleeting.

I pray my Shepherd comes and finds me and brings me home.

I am highly skeptical of my authenticity in stating what I have written above.

I need you, God - this is a call.

Sentiment

You are like a beautiful tree
With roots in the ground so deep
That they could never be seen.
I'm a leaf that's ready to fall.
And the wind's going to blow me,
Someday, away from it all.

I just want to write you in a song,
Put your smile on paper so you can sing along.
I just want to bottle the sun,
Keep your light a secret I can find when you are gone.

Jason Reeves, "You in a Song"

...And, yes, I am a softy sometimes.

I don't believe in the power of prayer

I believe in God, attentive to his creation, present in history.

I do not subscribe to the belief that belief itself is credible. It is not. Faith is only as reliable as its object.

"Credulity is no virtue."

Prayer itself has no power.

If there is no hearer...
If there is a hearer who is not interested in responding...
If there is a hearer who has no capacity to respond...
then prayer is a pep talk at best, willful self-deceit at worst.

I think we should not pray for the sake of praying.

I think we should pray as the consequence of the belief (no matter how tenuous) that the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob - the God of Jesus - is attentive to His Creation and present in our human affairs.

And so I do not agree whatsoever with the statement, "I believe in the power of prayer." For I do not believe in prayer; I believe in God.

More music

It's been awhile since I've posted. I really think I should write more - not necessarily on this blog - but in general.. it is very healthy, I think.

But if you're thinking that this will be some sort of intelligent or clever post, you are wrong. I am just sharing a couple of artists who have really occupied my time the past few days... Current favorite songs in parentheses...

Alli Rogers ("Eden")
Kendall Payne ("I will show you love")

Listen to them. Seriously.

A couple more...
Josh Garrels ("Zion & Babylon")
Jon Foreman ("Again")