Pensive Doubting Fearful Heart

Pensive, doubting, fearful heart
Hear what Christ the Savior says
Every word should joy impart
Change thy mourning into praise
Yes, He speaks and speaks to thee
May He help thee to believe
Then thou presently will see
Thou has little cause to grieve

Fear thou not, nor be ashamed
All thy sorrows soon shall end
I, who heaven and earth have framed
Am thy Husband and thy Friend
I, the High and Holy One
Israel's God, by all adored
As thy Savior will be known
Thy Redeemer and thy Lord

For a moment I withdrew
And thy heart was filled with pain
But my mercies I'll renew
Thou shall soon rejoice again
Though I seem to hide my face
Very soon my wrath shall cease
'Tis but for a moment's space
Ending in eternal peace

Though afflicted, tempest tossed
Comfortless awhile thou art
Do not think thou can be lost
Thou art graven on my heart
All thy wastes I will repair
Thou shalt be rebuilt anew
And in thee it shall appear
What the God of love can do

Weakness

I've tried to stand my ground

I've tried to understand

But I can't seem to find my faith again

Like water on the sand

A grasping at the wind

I keep on falling short

Please be my strength

Please be my strength

Cause I don't have anymore

I don't have anymore

Wandering Heart

Hah. Just noticing how I only seem to post when I am in a particular frame of mind. Maybe someday my blog will burst out of its bubble.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing has become one of my favorite hymns ever.

O to grace, how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be

Let Thy grace now like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above

 
I've been listening to Sufjan Stevens' arrangement of the hymn recently. Here's a youtube link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sApYYmxhWQ).

Running

I am so conflicted and mixed-up.

I need someone to sort me out. Jesus.

But for some reason I turn away when I see him. I plug my ears if it sounds like he might be "saying" something.

I just graduated

An aphorism ripped out of the context of Augustine's Confessions, book 12:

"...the poverty of the human intellect expresses itself in an abundance of language."

Oatmeal

Sitting here eating oatmeal. Listening to Jon Foreman. Thinking about who-knows-what. At the end (or in the midst) of an all-nighter.

It is finals week.

How I feel

[This is part of an email I sent to a professor tonight...]


I am not sure how to make heads-or-tails of what all is going on in life for me right now, but I am at a point where I feel rather powerless in the face of increasing schoolwork and other stressors. My emotions seem to have been on the fritz as of late and I have not dealt with them well. Spiritually, I feel shot. I have few other words to use. I am beat. My heart and my body and my emotions and my desires and my everything are in deep need of God's touch and restoration. I am not sure how reliable my emotions are right now, especially because I realize that the flu took a lot out of me and I am probably still physically recovering. But I am quite convinced that there is significant stock to be placed in what I've said.

As far as the assignments go, I don't want to let you or my classmates down. It bugs me that I feel like I'm giving up - I don't want to be defeated. But I think I am defeated right now. I need to get adequate sleep tonight and I think I need to take a moment and look at where I am - to look at what is truly important and to allow that to inform my priorities. I think - perhaps I am wrong - that at this moment, these matters of the heart are very important. I am tired.

I am truly not seeking leniency grading-wise. This email is sent partly to ensure that you understand that I mean no disrespect by these incomplete assignments. This email is also admittedly self-serving in that I wish to "save face." But I'm tired of saving face, too... so really, finally, I desire your thoughts and prayer as (I hope) God works with me through this time.

And that's what it comes down to, in a lot of ways. I'm tired and frustrated. With a whole lot of things, in a whole lot of ways. I desperately need to encounter God and for him to give rest to my restless soul, and for his love to overcome my irrational "desire" ("fear" is probably a more accurate term) to run to everyone and everything but him.

[Have you ever heard the song "Jealous Kind" by Jars of Clay? Here's two lines: "I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar / Than be broken by a lover I don't understand"]