How I feel

[This is part of an email I sent to a professor tonight...]


I am not sure how to make heads-or-tails of what all is going on in life for me right now, but I am at a point where I feel rather powerless in the face of increasing schoolwork and other stressors. My emotions seem to have been on the fritz as of late and I have not dealt with them well. Spiritually, I feel shot. I have few other words to use. I am beat. My heart and my body and my emotions and my desires and my everything are in deep need of God's touch and restoration. I am not sure how reliable my emotions are right now, especially because I realize that the flu took a lot out of me and I am probably still physically recovering. But I am quite convinced that there is significant stock to be placed in what I've said.

As far as the assignments go, I don't want to let you or my classmates down. It bugs me that I feel like I'm giving up - I don't want to be defeated. But I think I am defeated right now. I need to get adequate sleep tonight and I think I need to take a moment and look at where I am - to look at what is truly important and to allow that to inform my priorities. I think - perhaps I am wrong - that at this moment, these matters of the heart are very important. I am tired.

I am truly not seeking leniency grading-wise. This email is sent partly to ensure that you understand that I mean no disrespect by these incomplete assignments. This email is also admittedly self-serving in that I wish to "save face." But I'm tired of saving face, too... so really, finally, I desire your thoughts and prayer as (I hope) God works with me through this time.

And that's what it comes down to, in a lot of ways. I'm tired and frustrated. With a whole lot of things, in a whole lot of ways. I desperately need to encounter God and for him to give rest to my restless soul, and for his love to overcome my irrational "desire" ("fear" is probably a more accurate term) to run to everyone and everything but him.

[Have you ever heard the song "Jealous Kind" by Jars of Clay? Here's two lines: "I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar / Than be broken by a lover I don't understand"]

Return?

I hope that I am on the threshold of a decisive step back towards God.

I too have gone astray, I wish to return to my Shepherd. Yet my desires are impotent and fleeting.

I pray my Shepherd comes and finds me and brings me home.

I am highly skeptical of my authenticity in stating what I have written above.

I need you, God - this is a call.

Run

Surrender is one of the most difficult things for me, I think.

It's fight or flight for me, even it seems when the right thing is to submit.

So I fight it for all it's worth or I drown it in distraction.

God, please help me. I'm not yet ready and I don't know if I ever will be. But I want to be.

I think "Surrender" by BarlowGirl is probably pretty accurate.

Yep.